So, seasonal sadness tends to hit people when winter comes around. The sun hides its' face, the rain clouds start to stalk, and everything kind of just feels slow.
But at least I have Christmas music to look forward to, right?
I personally love winter time; sweaters, hot coffee, holidays, and a glassy chill in the air (I can't explain how incredibly appreciated a chill is when bouncing between LA and Houston). And oddly enough, when the early signs of winter start to trickle in, I always tend to feel a strange hope I've always felt since I was little. I know it may not make sense, but it started with my love (let's be honest, my slight infatuation) with the Polar Express, I don't know why but the familiar bell jingle at the end of that movie always left me feeling as though the spirit of Christmas was forever deep inside my soul as soon as December hit. Now all it really takes is an overpriced latte charging me two extra dollars for a dash of cinnamon that classifies it as "seasonal" to make me excited for winter rolling around the corner. However, as it's early June, I'm pretty confident you can guess this post isn't about my love of winter.
Oh Summertime.
It's really odd, my relationship with summer. It always has been. When I was little my summers consisted of bare-footed dodge ball games with "the cul-de-sac kids" (our coined name- I wish I still had that level of street cred) until the street lamps flickered telling us it was time to hurry home before the mosquitos came for vengeance. Calling my working parents every morning to tell them how my Webkinz garden was doing while simultaneously hoping they would surprise me with the news they were coming home early. They usually never were, but that was okay, when 5:03 hit I knew my mom would be walking through the door. When my three brothers ganged up on me by stealing the remote or accusing me of eating the last eggo, I would have the one person who was always on my side to tell them to back off. That was basically what my summers consisted of- adored stuffed animals, sunburns, and the loneliness that always lurked in the back of my mind. It was like that familiar feeling you get when you're at a slumber party with all the popular girls in your third grade class and seriously don't want to mess up your reputation, but all you want is your mom. Maybe that's too specific, but I guess I was just always sort of longing. That loneliness never really bothered me though, I honestly wasn't even aware of it as I ate my kid cuisine and watched the Polar Express for the umpteenth time (yes in the middle of summer, I told you it was a slight infatuation). It was when I went back to school, fresh paper and the crayola fifty pack in hand, that the longing I felt really hit me. As I heard kids go on about their tans from Hawaii, their timeshare in Florida, or their huge family reunion in Idaho, I couldn't help but be hit with that longing (you know something is wrong when your jealous of a family reunion in Idaho).
Now let me set something straight- I'm not at all saying that the fact I had two working parents during the summer left me bruised and damaged. In fact, it did the opposite. Watching my mom work with so much passion and determination along side my dad growing up exposed me to how bad ass women are at a really young age. I can't thank her enough for that. But it is an important part of understanding why I have the involuntary tendency to throw myself summer pity parties. Ever since I was little I would look at all the kids who would brag about their world travels, or complain about having to spend so much time with their parents during the summer and just long for the ability to have those things.
Being an ungrateful seven year old was acceptable, but here I am, still in the rotten habit of self comparison.
I guess I have the wonderful tool that has taken over our lives to thank for that: social media. The worst part about longing for experiences of those I see on social media during the summer is that I am painfully aware of how false social media portrayals are (as someone who is also guilty of attempting to make my life look like a living, breathing Pinterest board). I know that what people are doing and where they're going are not at all direct correlated to their happiness or fulfillment- but why can't I be on a beach in Fiji too?
Now I hate this about myself, this weird envy that makes me feel like a horrible person, it's honestly probably my least favorite quality but seeing that this is my blog I thought transparency is definitely a necessity. But let me go a little in to depth of what exactly I mean. I'm not just envious because I'm not laying on a white sand beach with a mojito in hand (I mean, a little envious), it's more so when I see people doing things in their career. When I see people flex their summer internships, jobs, or volunteer work all I can think about is how I'm not making myself useful like they are. I'm not doing everything in my power to somehow advance my career or make me successful in the long haul. I'm not upset that they're sharing their experiences, in fact it's quite the opposite, I absolutely love watching my friends succeed and thrive. There's just this little voice in my head that shames me for not being as responsible or determined as they are. I go from being at school in California where I barely have time to breathe between work, school, rehearsal, extracurriculars, and somewhat maintaining a social life and sleep schedule to back home in Texas with nothing on my agenda.
What now?
Now the answer should be "if you look at your last sentence, maybe now would be a good time to I don't know... breathe?" but for some reason, the transition from never having free time to slowing down has proven to be one I'm horrible at mastering. I go from being so creatively challenged or inspired (either are fulfilling in different ways) at school to laying in bed just thinking about how my doing nothing is going to get me nowhere. Why does my mind work like this? I wish I knew. Why don't I just look on the bright side and take this time to slow down and recharge? I can't tell you how many guided meditations I've attempted to make my brain accept that with little success. So I'm left feeling lazy, or uninspired, or when nighttime hits a twisted combination of both. But I think writing about how unrealistic these standards I'm holding myself to is exactly what I need to do to try and give myself a break. isn't it twisted, how in the end we're always the one that ultimately needs to give ourself a break? I've always had this harsh voice in the back of my head that never misses an opportunity to tell me about any small flaw I should try and fix. So when summertime comes around, it takes every single chance it gets to make me feel as though I'm useless, or have no purpose.
I'm reaching the point in this blog post where I'm not exactly sure what the point of it is. Like the grand moral or hopeful message at the end. I just need to really focus in on the idea that everyone is on a different timeline. That just because someone is at one place doesn't mean I'm at a worse or better place, simply just a different place (as cliche as that may sound). Instead of sitting around throwing myself a pity party I could be focusing on all the wonderful things I'm getting to do. Spending time with my friends and family I rarely see, being back in the city that built me, and getting the chance to read so many books and watch so many movies that I don't have time to cherish at school. Not every second of my life needs to be dedicated to improving, perfecting, or getting ahead. I know that if I don't break this habit I've fallen into now I'm going to spend the rest of my life stressing out about the next step instead of living in the present one. I guess that's why I wanted to write this. I've become genuinely aware of what I need to do to flip my mind set around (I guess the guided meditations haven't been completely unsuccessful), I just haven't completely figured out how to really get there. But when I do, which I'm determined will happen, I want to come back and read this and see how far I've grown from the mindset I'm in right now. A little meta, and a slightly odd reason to share a public blog post, but maybe it can help someone else too. I know if I were to be in the midst of my late night sadness and came across a post that sympathized and validated my feelings it may help me feel a little better. So here's to growth, recharging, and basking in the fact that everyone is on their own timeline.
-Kait